At the beginning of this year, I reflected on what I am looking forward to for 2013 and shared some personal goals and planned changes. One of those is to grow my knowledge this year – to read more, learn something new, enhance a skill – something along those lines. You see, I used to have lots of dreams, ambitions, and the energy and drive to do it all. Somehow, in the hustle and bustle of wanting to be a good mom, and be there…I lost that.

My husband has noticed. My family has noticed. And, slowly, I came to the realization myself. I have moments of pure brain mush – where I can’t tap into knowledge I know I once had. I can’t remember how to do the complex math problems I used to do when studying years and years of high-level math and science during my Engineering courses. Heck, I can’t even work in that field now without going back to school. It’s just not there anymore.

That’s just but one example of how I feel I’m no longer the woman I used to be. I know I have goals in mind, but they are not as clearly defined as they once used to be. I know I’m motivated, but it’s not showing in tangible results – at least not in my mind. So, what’s a woman to do? How do I bring my snappy, energetic, ambitious, and intelligent self back?

To be honest, I haven’t quite figured this out yet. I’ve thought about buying myself a study book to revisit topics like math and science, just to give my brain a chance to be stimulated in a different manner. I’ve considered enrolling in some kind of local class or program. There are many options, obviously, but I have yet to narrow down my personal choices and decide what it is that I currently need. I suppose that’s a process in and of itself, right?

I’ll have to work on figuring this out and finding myself again (so to speak). In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you – do you ever find yourself wondering where the woman you were has gone? Do you find that motherhood has, in a way, stripped you of your previous identity?

Original photo: Fabiana/Flickr

As women we tend to cry a lot. I know this is not true for all women; some women are able to control their tears quite a bit. But, in my family, we tend to be criers. It’s even been passed down to my baby girl.

She and I tend to be pretty emotional and can cry over the littlest things. Of course, my husband finds this to be a foreign concept. He doesn’t understand why we burst into tears when we do. With her, it’s interesting to try to teach her to control her emotions, and especially the crying. I want her to be strong and not need to cry every time she gets emotional, but it’s a little hypocritical of me to say much, since I have a hard time controlling my own tears.

I tell my husband that as women we are wired different than he and our son. I think baby girl explains it best, though. When in the middle of crying, she’ll say, “I just have sensitive eyes! I can’t stop them from crying.” I get it baby girl. I have sensitive eyes too.

Are you a crier or can you control the tears?

Photo by Ryuuji

“Es poca mujer.” These were words I heard at various points growing up and that have stuck with me. Literally it means “she’s not much of a woman,” but the phrase is used to mean a woman is not strong enough or cannot handle a situation. For example, if a woman is unable to handle her responsibilities as a mother, wife, and home manager, then some might say, “es poca mujer.”

The phrase has never been said about me, at least not to my face. I’ve heard it said by my mom, mostly, but also other family members in reference to other women we know. In all honesty, it seems like such a judgmental and harsh phrase to me. Of course, it goes back to something I’ve written about before – how in our Latino culture, women and moms especially, are somewhat expected to be super women. The result of not being able to balance it all is to be called out as “not good enough.”

Do you know how often I could be called “poca mujer” based on that definition? I try hard to get many things done and meet a lot of self-imposed expectations, but I would cringe if someone ever told me it wasn’t good enough. I can only do the best I can and really, who besides me can truly know what a successful day entails? Success for our family is probably different than it is for yours. So, for someone else to call me “poca mujer,” or to call anyone that, seems a bit cruel.

To me, saying “es poca mujer” about a woman is equivalent to calling her weak. And to call a woman weak because she is not able to keep up with so many aspects of her life – mainly those involving caring for others – well, it’s just wrong, isn’t it?

Are you familiar with the phrase? What are your thoughts on how it’s used?

My mami is a great mother. She raised three children, along with my father, during a time when there wasn’t as much “help” as there is these days. That is, she never read a parenting book or sought the advice of parenting experts. I’m sure her and her friends shared complaints and some advice with each other, but this probably came in a very informal manner while they had their café y pan.

On top of the generation’s ideals, my mami also started being a mom at a very young age. She basically had to learn it all herself; being a wife, mom, and becoming a woman are all things she learned on the fly. In retrospect, I see now that she essentially lived her life for us. My two brothers and I were her life. Sure, she held some jobs at various points, but never was it a career. She had friends, but that I can remember, they never took the time to have what we now call a girl’s night out. She also didn’t have hobbies.

Fast forward 30 years later, and my mami is now “retired” – from being a mom and from working. Of course, moms are moms until the end. But, all three of her children are married, out of the house, and have children of their own. She provides an entirely different mami role these days. This is the time when she should be enjoying her free life, taking part in various activities, hobbies, and get-togethers. Right? However, because she spent the bulk of her life living for us, I’ve noticed she finds herself in a special place as a woman.

Two reasons, actually, contribute to my mother’s current situation: she’s the caretaker for my father who has dementia, and she didn’t allow herself to be anything but a mom when raising us. In defining herself only as a mom without paying attention to herself, as a woman first, she’s now in the position of not really knowing what to do with herself. Of course, this is my opinion from observing her, but I often see it reflected in her actions and conversations.

It’s a situation I hope never to find myself in. I think I’m on the right track so far. I work full-time, have my own business, travel, and try hard to balance my roles as a mom, wife, and woman. It’s not always easy, as many women will attest. But, after seeing my own mom’s struggles, I believe it’s important. I don’t want to have to depend on being needed by others (my children) in order to be happy. I plan to be happy with my life, my husband, and myself, regardless of where life takes my children.

Because of that, I am content in showing my daughter (and soon my son) that I have my own time where I may do things without her. She sees me working and knows why it’s important. She understands when I need to travel by myself and knows that it’s for work. As she’s said to me when leaving for a conference, “You’re going to go learn with your blogger friends.” Yes, baby girl. I am. And, then I’ll return home and continue to show you how great it is to be a woman with many interests and passions – all while still being a great mom, just like your abuela.

Do you find it difficult to define your role as a woman now that you’re a mom?

I’m very excited to share with you a new venture that I’ve been working on for months, but that just launched late last night! Ella Media is my marketing and consulting business, through which I’ll be connecting businesses with today’s digital Latina. Ella Media also provides digital marketing and consulting services for large brands, small businesses, and social media savvy women.

If you’re a digital Latina (Latina blogger, social media Latina, etc.) seeking fun campaigns that also value your time, then sign up to be considered for upcoming campaigns!

While you’re at it, how about also connecting with Ella Media?

• follow on twitter
• like on facebook

Why is this a need? You may remember that more and more Brands are Leveraging the Reach of Social Media Latinas. The Latinas in Social Media BlogHer 2010 panel also proved that brands and the PR agencies representing them are interested in marketing to Latinas and many times look to our community for help in doing so. It’s also evident that as bloggers we wish to be compensated for blogging and social media work, so why not work together to bring brands and Latina bloggers together?

I hope you’ll visit Ella Media and sign up. I’m really looking forward to growing my blogging community and expanding it to bring great opportunities your way.

Plenty of people find it difficult to get some time alone. We’re all busy with work, our home life, family, activities, and just life in general. It can be hard to find some time for yourself. But, more and more, I see that women and moms in particular, complain the most about getting some time for themselves – some ‘me’ time.

It seems that men either don’t require ‘me’ time as much as women do or they just don’t admit it. At any rate, it makes sense that parents are often the ones asking how they can get a little time alone and away from the everyday.

I thought about some of the ways that I manage to keep my sanity and balance out my life a little bit. Ok, well, maybe not my life, but my head at least.

7 Tips for Finding ‘Me’ Time

1. Take a break to goof around on the Internet. Whether it be a quick tour of your favorite social media networks or visiting your preferred blogs to read or just simply doing a bit of online shopping, you will be amazed how a few minutes online can easily give your brain a much needed break from reality.
2. Pretend you have to use the bathroom. I know this sounds crazy. Believe me, I do. However, when you’ve got too much going on and it seems like it’ll be a while before you can break from it, this may be a temporary solution. Just lock the bathroom door and give yourself 10 minutes of quiet. If you have a magazine rack in your bathroom or leave a book in there, you can even catch up on some of that reading you’ve been meaning to do. And sweetie…if you’re reading this…I never do this. Ever.
3. Take a shower. Or bath. Make it a LONG one. Don’t rush your shower. Take a few extra minutes to just let the warm water hit your back. Or spend a bit more time working the shampoo into your hair. If you can take a nice relaxing bubble bath, then even better!
4. Enforce bedtime. Make sure that your kids stick to their bedtime. I can’t tell you how much I love the 2-3 hours each night after my baby girl goes to sleep. Most of the time, I end up spending this time either working or watching some TV with my husband, but there’s times that I get those hours all to myself if I plan in advance.
5. Meditate. Pray. Reflect. Whatever you call it and however you do it, taking some time to think about things can do wonders for clearing your head of all the noise. You can easily do this while driving, cooking, or cleaning.
6. Exercise. Go for a 20 minute walk. Do a quick yoga routine. Or dance along to some music.
7. Go grocery shopping. It’s something that needs to be done anyway, isn’t it? Leave everyone else at home and go by yourself. You may even get the shopping done faster than normal (but not TOO fast, ok?).

These tips may not be glamorous. They may not include a night out on the town with your girls. But, they’re realistic and can offer some simple yet effective ways for you to feel like you’re getting a little ‘me’ time in for yourself. Also? I hope it’s obvious that if you have kids, you’ll clearly need to have someone supervising them when you’re getting your ‘me’ time. Especially if you’re locking yourself in the bathroom.

How do you find some time for yourself? What do you normally do with your ‘me’ time?

I had a nice, quiet, lazy weekend. One where I pretty much unplugged the entire two days. I had a lot of hang out time at home with my family and we rested – no going anywhere or errands to run. It was actually really nice. I think my body and mind needed it after the traveling I did this month and it seemed to be enjoyed by the husband and baby girl as well. Her and I even took a nap together.

The only thing I’m regretting about this weekend is that I didn’t go visit my parents. The last time my baby girl and I saw them was the weekend before. It’s harder to visit them during the week since the week entails a busy work/school schedule for all of us. So, it’s much easier to visit on Saturdays or Sundays. Since we didn’t visit this past weekend, it’s now a little over a week since we’ve seen them.

And, the guilt sets in.

Why is it that even though we had a very nice weekend, I still manage to have that one little thing that is pulling at me? I’m content with how we spent our time, but feel guilty that I didn’t carve out time to go and visit them. Since many of us play so many roles – wives, mothers, daughters – I am wondering if this is a “woman” thing. I know that men also play multiple roles, but for some reason, I don’t see many men stressing if they go over a week without talking to or seeing their extended family. In fact, I know a few who can go over 3 weeks without talking to their parents.

In our Latino culture, family is ultra, mega, important. In my immediate family, we don’t make it a habit of not talking to each other for extended periods of time. Actually, I think I’m already pushing the limits by not having a daily phone conversation with my mother; I usually talk to her every other day. And like I mentioned, we often see each other on at least a weekly basis, if not more – she does live only 15 minutes away from me.

So, does anyone else who lives close to their parents struggle with this? How do you keep the guilty feelings away if you happen to concentrate on yourself or family and don’t include your role as a daughter/son for a few days?

I’ve come across quite a few blog posts the past few days. I always seem to be sharing interesting articles with various people I think will like them, so I figured I’d share with everyone this time.

Here are some posts I’ve either bookmarked or stumbled this week. For more, take a look at my StumbleUpon or Delicious pages.

Social Media

How to Create a FaceBook Landing Page for Your Blog

5 Ways I’m Using Facebook to Drive Traffic, Build Brand and Increase Reader Engagement

10 Beautiful Social Media Infographics

Blogging

A Complete Guide to Finding and Using Incredible Flickr Images

Comment on other blogs!

The Number One Way to Flip Your Blog into a Business

Personal

Our Pre-Motherhood Self

Retroacculturation. Retroacculturated. That’s me. Is it You?

I’m still not White, but am I American Indian?

What posts did you come across this week that you think I should read? It’s ok if it’s your own.

By the way, if you’re Latina and a blogger, please complete this survey. We will be presenting some of the results during our BlogHer Latinas in Social Media panel and of course, the survey report will have a much larger impact as it will help many learn about the Latina blogging community.

A few weeks ago I had a birthday. It was a big one. As in, the big 3-0. I joked around the weeks leading up to my birthday and said things like, “I don’t know how I feel about turning 30” and “Can I just say I’m 29 and 13 months instead?”

The thing is that I was being honest when I said I didn’t know how I felt about it. I truly wasn’t having a complete freak-out about it, but I also wasn’t thrilled. I just knew I was now leaving my 20′s and entering the 30′s. And, that was what bothered me a bit. The fact that I could no longer say I was in my 20′s. I was leaving behind an entire decade!

Everyone I talked to said the same things: “The 30′s are the best” and “You’ll see that the 30′s are better than the 20′s.” While that may be true, my 20′s weren’t so bad either. I graduated college, got married, and had my baby girl – all in my 20′s. Plus, there’s the whole “I still feel young” thing. Don’t laugh, but for some reason 30 is the official number in my head for leaving young and crossing over into old. I realize this doesn’t make sense.

However, it’s the idea that was in my head. I felt like leaving my 20′s meant I was also saying good-bye to my youth. My fun, lighthearted, young 20′s were now going to be in the past. Saying “I’m in my 30′s” seemed so much different than saying “I’m in my 20′s.”

Even so, I understand that 30 is really just a number. I know it doesn’t mean I’m old. I know it will be what I make of it. But, part of me couldn’t help but feel the way I did.

Obviously, the day that I actually turned 30 wasn’t so bad. It’s not like I felt a sudden change, of course. In the weeks since my birthday, I haven’t actually had the need to say “I’m 30″ yet. Maybe when I do it will become a reality for me. Because so far? I still feel 29.

Wonder how long that will last?

It seems like everyday I hear a woman talking about struggling to balance her life. You know that I am a believer of trying to find balance, at least whatever balance means to you. But, it’s a reality that something always gives.

Some days your work may suffer, other days perhaps your me-time suffers, and I’m sure a lot of days, it’s the house that suffers. That’s why we try to come up with a cleaning schedule and attempt to clean while working from home. It’s all in an effort to juggle our many roles and get a handle on our super mom expectations.

And, believe me, I know all about those expectations. I expect that I should be able to take care of my daughter, my house, and my husband. Taking care of myself was not something I was taught early on – it wasn’t until I was older that this became of importance. As I’ve mentioned before, I grew up hearing things like, “You have to learn how to cook and clean, because when you get older and get married, you’ll need to take care of your house, husband, and children.”

Now, I try very hard not to say things like that to my daughter. I don’t want her to learn how to cook and clean so that she can take care of others. I want her to learn so she can take care of herself. Instead I tell her: “We have to clean the house because we don’t want to live in a dirty house, do we? We want to take care of our things and be proud of where we live.” Pride. Orgullo.

In a way, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? Outside of cleaning because we need our space to be clean for sanitary reasons, we also clean because we want to be proud of our space. Doesn’t it make you feel so much better when you look around your house and see it’s clean and in order? The days there’s a lot of clutter around, it’s almost like my brain feels cluttered right along with it. The minute it’s clean again, I feel a sense of calm.

I think pride plays a big role in how we take care of our house. At least, I find this is true for myself and many other women I know. Somos orgullosas de nuestros hogares. We are proud of our homes.

Do you find that pride plays a role in your home? Share with me any cleaning-related stories – either from your own childhood or from your adult life.

***Want to teach your kids to help clean? Check out this list of chores for preschoolers.

This post is an entry into the Mi Hogar Mi Orgullo contest.