Certain phrases you hear growing up seem to stick with you. Whether you tend to repeat them yourself or they just make an impact on you, some phrases constantly come to mind. “Poca mujer” is one such phrase. Another phrase I heard a lot was “para evitar” or “hay que evitar,” meaning “to avoid” or “you have to avoid” respectively.

The interesting thing about this phrase was how it was most often used by my mami. She was the one I heard this phrase from the most. She would say things like, “No dije nada para evitar,” “Me quede callada para evitar,” or “¿Hay que evitar, verdad?” (I didn’t say anything to avoid a problem; I stayed quiet to avoid an issue; You have to avoid, right?) This was usually in regards to a discussion between her and my father. Mami would hold back on speaking her thoughts in order to avoid an argument. She would then tell me all about it and when I questioned why she didn’t say anything to papi, she’d tell me, “Ya tu veras cuando te cases. A veces hay que evitar.” (You’ll see when you get married. Sometimes you just have to avoid [problems].”)

There’s something to be said, though, about constantly thinking “déjame evitar.” Sooner or later everything you avoid saying builds up and you end up lashing out like a bomb that exploded. Or perhaps you implode and end up feeling overwhelmed and desperate. Sometimes I think that maybe I should have told my mami, “No, no tienes que evitar.”

On the other hand, I also realize that mami may not have been so far off. Many of us hold back “para evitar.” It’s like that other phrase says, “you have to choose your battles.” Don’t we all do that? We choose when it’s worth an argument with our spouse, parents, children, etc., and hold back when it’s not.

Do you hold back sometimes para evitar? Or do you always speak your mind?

[Photo: katietegtmeyer]

“Es poca mujer.” These were words I heard at various points growing up and that have stuck with me. Literally it means “she’s not much of a woman,” but the phrase is used to mean a woman is not strong enough or cannot handle a situation. For example, if a woman is unable to handle her responsibilities as a mother, wife, and home manager, then some might say, “es poca mujer.”

The phrase has never been said about me, at least not to my face. I’ve heard it said by my mom, mostly, but also other family members in reference to other women we know. In all honesty, it seems like such a judgmental and harsh phrase to me. Of course, it goes back to something I’ve written about before – how in our Latino culture, women and moms especially, are somewhat expected to be super women. The result of not being able to balance it all is to be called out as “not good enough.”

Do you know how often I could be called “poca mujer” based on that definition? I try hard to get many things done and meet a lot of self-imposed expectations, but I would cringe if someone ever told me it wasn’t good enough. I can only do the best I can and really, who besides me can truly know what a successful day entails? Success for our family is probably different than it is for yours. So, for someone else to call me “poca mujer,” or to call anyone that, seems a bit cruel.

To me, saying “es poca mujer” about a woman is equivalent to calling her weak. And to call a woman weak because she is not able to keep up with so many aspects of her life – mainly those involving caring for others – well, it’s just wrong, isn’t it?

Are you familiar with the phrase? What are your thoughts on how it’s used?