“You’re just a big monster!”

You may be used to hearing such words on the playground as one preschooler screams out to another after doing something he/she didn’t like. It happens all the time and more than likely after a few minutes, they’re back to being best friends again.

But, never, did I think I’d be hearing those words directed at me, much less from my own daughter. Well, at least I thought I had quite a few more years before the dramatic accusations came my way from an over-hormonal teenager. It seems, though, that is not the case. Five-year-olds, apparently, can be just as hormonal and dramatic.

In the past few weeks, my daughter has been hearing what she calls my “serious voice” quite a bit – more than I’d like. But, we try hard to be firm and consistent and though I know we’re still undergoing a transition in our house with a new baby, that does not excuse the misbehaving. So, when needed, serious voice it is.

However, every so often, the use of the serious voice causes her to begin crying. Sometimes, this escalates into a full-out dramatic scene of shouting out random phrases like, “You just don’t love me!” When asked why she’s crying when she knows she was doing something wrong and the situation wasn’t so severe, she once screamed out, “You’re just…you’re just such a big monster!”

Later that evening, I shared the incident with my husband and confessed that those little words were like a knife to my heart. I told him: “I don’t want her thinking I’m a big monster!” He laughed, because of course, she doesn’t really think I’m a big monster. He spoke to her during her bath that night and asked her why she said that. Her response: “Sometimes…when mami uses her serious voice, it scares me, like a monster.”

She apologized, we talked it over, and I reminded her that no matter what she does and no matter how upset I may be, I will always love her. I was also reminded that sometimes words are just words. In my daughter’s case, she may just be trying to express her frustration and doesn’t necessarily mean what she says. In short, I should not take all her outbursts to heart…especially when there will be many more to come as she grows into her teenage years.

How do you deal with emotional outbursts?

When I was in my early 20s, I put it in my mind that I wanted to have a job that would allow me to be available and at home with my future child. That is the reason I chose real estate as my career. Fast forward fifteen years later, I found myself as a single mom when my only son was two years old. Obviously, being divorced was not part of my vision, but the career choice helped me to focus on my main intent which also included being able to pick up my son at school every day.

Little did I know how difficult it would be to balance my life at home with my work when real estate sales meant you are on call at any time of the day including weekends. Luckily, whenever I found myself stressed, I remembered my goal of being with my son whenever I wanted to. That one priority is what helped me to stay grounded and in the flow of enjoying an immeasurable amount of moments that I constantly cherish in my heart.

As the years went by, I was offered opportunities to work in large commercial firms which I know would have led me to more money. Life is constantly presenting us with choices. I sometimes wish I would have made more money at certain points in my life because I would have been more prepared when the economy changed.

Today’s economic environment brings additional challenges to many families who have to reinvent themselves to stay afloat due to job loss. It causes much more stress and uncertainty. I know, because I have had to live this as the sole provider of my household in a field that was first hit in the economy.

That is why it is imperative in these days to stay focused on your own well being so that your children feel secure. I sincerely believe that security from within will eventually lead you to better opportunities. There is a delicate balancing act when faced with anxiety and I can’t say I have all the answers because there were many times when I was ready to pull my hair out.

But then I remembered my focus: enjoying time with my son, laughing with him, instilling values of self worth and strength of character. And you know what? We survived and am proud to say that he is a confident young seventeen year old man ready to take on college this year, spread his wings and look forward to his future.

I have absolutely no regrets of my choice to make nurturing and love a priority because I feel fulfilled in my role as a mother. In hindsight, all the other roles I had to juggle were secondary. The abundant time I spent with him was priceless and more valuable than having a million dollars in my bank account.

So now that I am about to become an empty nester, my greatest pearl of wisdom is to get out of the house when you are ready to go ARGHHHH, stick the kids in the car and go enjoy a moment in the park and always communicate positive affirmations with them. You might be surprised one day, when they replay all those good thoughts back to you when you least expect it, and they end up uplifting YOU. When this happened to me, I guarantee you, I had the biggest smile ever!

Photo courtesy of Blanca Stella

Those who know me well, say that I always seem to be on the run. But I know I’m not the only one. Moms everywhere seem to be scrambling for time and we usually manage to juggle (sometimes, rather successfully) one too many balls in the air.

A glimpse of what we juggle every given day: Carpools, supermarket shopping, school activities, meals for the household, school supplies, our kids social lives, after-school activities, managing the home, setting time aside for our spouses… the list could go and on. And this is EXCLUDING any professional obligations you may have.

The important issue that we tend to forget about is not only the juggling, but the balancing. It’s very easy to let one aspect of your life take over the others. And with women, that usually means forgetting to take care of ourselves.

Don’t you forget about me…

Remember that Simple Minds song? OK, now that you know how old I am, I just want to share some simple tips to not lose yourself while juggling everything else during the adventures of motherhood.

• Don’t feel guilty about doing something for yourself. Nobody else will do it for you.  And look at it this way: it will allow you to release tension. A more relaxed mom, is a happier mom. A happier mom, is a better mom.
• Take care of yourself. Yes, that means taking your vitamins, getting enough rest, eating well.
• Treat your “me” time as an appointment. Sounds too planned? Well, the truth is, IT WORKS.
• Organization is key. Arrange with your spouse or partner or a trusted friend to watch over the little ones for a specific amount of time each week to give you a breather.
• Choose something you’d like to do, not something you need to do: a manicure, coffee with friends, reading a book, even shopping.

When work overwhelms you

Regardless of where you work at, the juggling act seems to throw in more and more balls in the air and if you really pause to think, it can overwhelm you. In these cases, learn to prioritize what’s urgent from what’s not. If everything’s urgent, then something’s really wrong, because something has to be most important in your to do list.

In this era of hyperconnectivity, it can be hard to set limits and boundaries. But just like you need them when raising your kids, you need them to keep your sanity while working and trying to balance your life a bit better. And believe it or not, you are the person that needs to respect those boundaries the most.

For some, it means no smart phones even near the kitchen or dinner table. For others, not taking calls or answering emails in the evening. And I’m assuming you already know that texting and driving don’t mix well. You need to find what works for you. Then, stick to your resolutions.

When family responsibilities drain you

Sometimes it’s the chores and everyday routines that sap out your energy, Again, a little organization and planning goes a long way.

• Decide what really has to be done and don’t get sucked into the non essential stuff.
• Make a schedule for your kids. For younger ones, take pictures of the daily tasks they must do (for example: eat breakfast, brush their teeth, take a bath, got to bed) and decorate together a poster they can look at. For older kids, make a schedule on the computer and print it out for them.
• Buy gifts for birthday parties in advance. If you are always pressed for time, use gift bags and tissue paper instead of wrapping every gift individually. You can even buy in bulk online and save.
• Do a master shopping list on your computer, print several and have them in the kitchen. Check off items as soon as you are running low and that way you’ll avoid multiple trips to the supermarket during the same week.
• Learn to say no. Sometimes that means scheduling less after-school activities, organizing less play dates or not hosting all the family dinners.
• Ask for help. Wonder Woman only exists in a comic book.

Personally, I dream about having my groceries delivered, but have to accept the reality that none of the supermarkets close to my home offer that service. So, I shop once a week and go at odd times when not so many people do their grocery shopping. Sometimes that means right after dropping the kids off for school, other times it’s late in the evening while my husband takes over parenting duties.

You’re in this for the long haul

The juggling act of motherhood is not a one hit wonder. You’re in this adventure for the long haul, and will have better days and not so great days.  Sometimes one of the balls will fall to the floor, or you might get hit on the head by a curve ball. It’s not the end of the world, and those around you will follow your lead on how to react.

So next time something doesn’t work out the way you had planned, try laughing or smiling instead of getting angry or even wanting to cry. A sense of humor works wonders and aside from making you feel a bit better, comic relief is underrated when dealing with your children. So then, aside from juggler extraordinaire, you will tune into the comedian inside of you. After all, there are moments in life that are so utterly absurd, all you can do is laugh if you want to find the strength to keep on going!

Mommy, you know there are bras for little girls too?

Well, not for little girls like you, but older little girls, yeah.

Like for 5 year olds? (Mind you, she turns 5 next month and apparently the world is going to drastically change when she’s 5 – she’ll officially be a big girl that can do any.thing. So she thinks.)

No, not for 5 year olds. Older girls. Like 10 maybe.

Nuh uh! [classmate's name] had a bra on when she was 3!

Are you sure it was a bra sweetie? Maybe it was an undershirt, like the ones you sometimes wear.

Noooo. It was a bra.

How do you know it was a bra? Did you see it?

Yes, she showed it to me.

Well, baby, even if she did, you’re not going to wear a bra until you need to – when you start growing breasts. That’s when mommy started wearing a bra.

Awww…I wish I could wear a bra.

Baby girl, don’t rush it. Enjoy being a 5 year old and not having to worry about that. When the time comes, you’ll wear a bra. Your body knows when it’s supposed to grow and when things are supposed to happen. Don’t rush things, ok?

Ok, mommy.

So went our conversation a few mornings ago. I’m not sure if her classmate really did have a bra on or not – I would hope not, since there’s no reason – but, somehow my not-even 5-year-old got the idea in her head that she needed a bra. I know she sees them in the stores too as we shop for her clothes and nowadays they look really pretty. I cringe every time I see a padded beginner’s bra. Why does a 10 year old just starting to develop and wear a bra need padding again? Aside from the padding, the bras in the little girls’ section are definitely much prettier than the ones around when I went through the ritual of picking my first bra. I definitely get why they are enticing for my girl.

Still, I can’t help but think of what else is coming my way. Did I ask my mother such questions at such a young age? What other questions will I have to answer within the next year and especially when she begins kindergarten?

I am not shying away from such conversations, but it would be helpful if I could peek into her little brain and know ahead of time so that I can prepare myself. It would also help if she waited until after I’ve had breakfast and fully woken up before she springs such heavy conversation on me.

If you have a little girl, at what age did she start asking about bras? What other questions have you fielded from your young children already?

[photo credit: Glamcheck]

My mami is a great mother. She raised three children, along with my father, during a time when there wasn’t as much “help” as there is these days. That is, she never read a parenting book or sought the advice of parenting experts. I’m sure her and her friends shared complaints and some advice with each other, but this probably came in a very informal manner while they had their café y pan.

On top of the generation’s ideals, my mami also started being a mom at a very young age. She basically had to learn it all herself; being a wife, mom, and becoming a woman are all things she learned on the fly. In retrospect, I see now that she essentially lived her life for us. My two brothers and I were her life. Sure, she held some jobs at various points, but never was it a career. She had friends, but that I can remember, they never took the time to have what we now call a girl’s night out. She also didn’t have hobbies.

Fast forward 30 years later, and my mami is now “retired” – from being a mom and from working. Of course, moms are moms until the end. But, all three of her children are married, out of the house, and have children of their own. She provides an entirely different mami role these days. This is the time when she should be enjoying her free life, taking part in various activities, hobbies, and get-togethers. Right? However, because she spent the bulk of her life living for us, I’ve noticed she finds herself in a special place as a woman.

Two reasons, actually, contribute to my mother’s current situation: she’s the caretaker for my father who has dementia, and she didn’t allow herself to be anything but a mom when raising us. In defining herself only as a mom without paying attention to herself, as a woman first, she’s now in the position of not really knowing what to do with herself. Of course, this is my opinion from observing her, but I often see it reflected in her actions and conversations.

It’s a situation I hope never to find myself in. I think I’m on the right track so far. I work full-time, have my own business, travel, and try hard to balance my roles as a mom, wife, and woman. It’s not always easy, as many women will attest. But, after seeing my own mom’s struggles, I believe it’s important. I don’t want to have to depend on being needed by others (my children) in order to be happy. I plan to be happy with my life, my husband, and myself, regardless of where life takes my children.

Because of that, I am content in showing my daughter (and soon my son) that I have my own time where I may do things without her. She sees me working and knows why it’s important. She understands when I need to travel by myself and knows that it’s for work. As she’s said to me when leaving for a conference, “You’re going to go learn with your blogger friends.” Yes, baby girl. I am. And, then I’ll return home and continue to show you how great it is to be a woman with many interests and passions – all while still being a great mom, just like your abuela.

Do you find it difficult to define your role as a woman now that you’re a mom?

I’ve come across quite a few blog posts the past few days. I always seem to be sharing interesting articles with various people I think will like them, so I figured I’d share with everyone this time.

Here are some posts I’ve either bookmarked or stumbled this week. For more, take a look at my StumbleUpon or Delicious pages.

Social Media

How to Create a FaceBook Landing Page for Your Blog

5 Ways I’m Using Facebook to Drive Traffic, Build Brand and Increase Reader Engagement

10 Beautiful Social Media Infographics

Blogging

A Complete Guide to Finding and Using Incredible Flickr Images

Comment on other blogs!

The Number One Way to Flip Your Blog into a Business

Personal

Our Pre-Motherhood Self

Retroacculturation. Retroacculturated. That’s me. Is it You?

I’m still not White, but am I American Indian?

What posts did you come across this week that you think I should read? It’s ok if it’s your own.

By the way, if you’re Latina and a blogger, please complete this survey. We will be presenting some of the results during our BlogHer Latinas in Social Media panel and of course, the survey report will have a much larger impact as it will help many learn about the Latina blogging community.

Before moving back to the Sunshine State, I worked full-time while my husband served in the US Navy. I had dropped out of college to marry my husband and raise a family. Once my kids started school, I went back to work. It was a good job and I tried to advance, but was repeatedly denied a promotion because I didn’t have a little piece of paper that said I graduated.

It was frustrating because I knew I could do the job, considering I had filled in for the job on a few occasions when illness or emergencies struck.

It was a blow to my ego. And it angered me on several levels.

About a month before we moved back here, my husband generously transferred his Post 9/11 GI Bill to me, so that I could finish something I started 15 years ago. I tried to talk him out of it so he could better himself, but that was like talking to a brick wall. He wanted me to go and finish because he knew I wanted it so badly.

And so, as an adult, I returned to college.

The school I attend is a popular university with military and former military, and I attend a satellite campus in Orlando. I love it. I take one on-line and one on-campus class a week for 8 weeks, and because we have short terms, the classes are long and intense. Seems just about perfect.

And it is, when I am not busy being a full-time mother.

I wonder often if I am the only mother in the world who puts aside work so that I can better myself. There are times I deal with a large amount of guilt when I tell the kids I can’t give them attention because I am busy on a paper, reading, or homework. I know the goal is to get my degree so that I can get a better job and provide more for my family, but I wonder if I am not doing damage to my kids at times. I think many mothers who go back to school experience this, and suffer as much as I do, possibly worse.

I remember my own mother graduating from college when I was a kid. She wasn’t around much. One thing I want to do differently is to actually use my degree after graduation. My mother didn’t and I wonder why she wasted her time, ignoring my brother and I for those years (at least it seemed like it), if she wasn’t going to use the degree to justify the expense and time away from her children. Nothing changed after she graduated; we were still poor and she still worked a low-paying job. I can list, several times over, the things that her money could have been spent on. Food for us for school lunch is just one item on that list.

I don’t want my college completion making an impact on my children in a negative way. I try to counter my times of isolation for study with times spent at a theme park, walking 5K’s with them, or even at the community pool. My children need to know that the hard work I put in and that sacrificing some time with them is going to be worth it in the end. I don’t want them to resent me for my one selfish act, because I will better all of our lives when I’m done.

I believe I will be making Dean’s List after this term, and my goal is to maintain that throughout my college career. I want to inspire them to greatness now, before it’s too late, and they become the procrastinating sloth I was for many years. Part of doing this is proving to my family that you can do things for yourself, for the sake of your family, and still be there for them. I’m hell-bent on not letting them down. As their greatest teacher, I can only teach by example, so it has to be a good example. They will be better off for all the sacrifice on their parts. And that motivates me to do well far beyond anything else.

I want to be the “modern mami” who can do it all and have a thriving family. I just have to keep up the hard work. I hope to be an example to other mothers in the world who feel like they aren’t worth bettering themselves with education. I’m going to come out on the other side of this experience and show the women who have doubts that it can be done, and they will know it’s worth it in the end.

Is inspiration the word? Maybe. I prefer the term “setting a good example,” because sometimes, showing how it can be done is better than simple inspiration.

Kristi Yamaguchi, US Olympic gold medalist, is featured in the February/March issue of Working Mother magazine. In her interview with Working Mother, Kristi Yamaguchi speaks on success, balancing her high-profile career and home, motherhood, and the lessons she’s learned.

I thought it would be interesting to see how a celebrity mom handles work-life balance, especially when her work is not on a standard 9-5 schedule. You can read the interview in its entirety on the Working Mother site, but here are a few excerpts:

On the pressures of balancing work and home

“In my twenties I never thought I’d still be working this hard in my thirties. I do feel lucky that I did a lot of my skating, which would have been hard on me as a mom, early on—all that touring and living on the road. I’m happy I’m still busy—off the ice. I still juggle. Sometimes I think I overextend myself because I’m traveling too much and am away from the kids. It’s a fine line to find that balance. These days I make business decisions based on whether something is worth my time away from my kids.”

On home life

“It depends on the season or the week. If nothing is going on, I get the kids ready for school. We’re trying to be a normal family. We all have dinner together as much as possible. [. . .] Bret and I share the responsibility of meals. If we’re grilling meat, he does it. I’m not a fancy cook­—I’ll make a pork loin or Japanese breaded chicken, chicken stir-fry, spaghetti.”

On motherhood

“I’ve realized how precious life is. When I was younger, I was more adventurous. I felt invincible. I was game for everything. As a mom, I don’t want to get injured because then I can’t take care of my kids. Even getting on an airplane, I’m more conscious of . . . Like they say, once you have a child, your heart is forever outside your body. I totally understand that now.”

In the interview, Kristi also states that they have the help of a nanny 25 hours a week. That’s comparable to having your child in daycare for 5 hours each day, which we all know can go by really fast. So, Kristi also depends on her husband, who she says “…picks up the slack,” especially when she travels.

My favorite part of the interview is when she said, “…I make business decisions based on whether something is worth my time away from my kids.” I think that’s something we all think about.

What do you think of the interview? Is it comforting to know that even a high-profile mom who has a nanny also struggles with balancing her work and family?

While reading the memoir of former first female CEO of IBM, Carly Fiorina, Tough Choices, I learned her family philosophy: What you are is God’s gift to you. What you make of yourself is your gift to God. How perfect and sublime. This is something that is written in the souls of driven people. Being one such person, it spoke to me directly as the truth I had been living, though never bothered to put words to. Then as I thought about it more and how it applies to my life, the more it expanded, unfolded, and began to demonstrate exactly the spaces it takes up in my life.

I have always told each of my children that they were gifts to me from God. I do not own them, but I have been charged with the care of these gifts for in time my gifts will leave my side. I have a heart for each of my gifts, that grows with each day and each breath they take. These are the words of love I whisper into their ears from time to time. It is the best way I can manage to explain my love for them. And now with this new revelation, I have discovered that while God has gifted my children their individual talents, temperaments and struggles, I am co-gifter as well. As mother I must bestow my children with as many gifts as possible, so that in turn, that gift to God they create with their lives and selves is that much more expressive of the love that was invested and created.

When I speak to my children in Spanish, the language is not the only gift I give them. The culture that I can filter through to their generation, the awareness of an ancestral presence in their lives and the spiritual beliefs that have cradled me in good times and bad are all the gifts that I pass on to them. Each of my children receives these gifts in a different manner, and as a mother, I must stand back allow them the space to create their own unique gift to God from them. My gift is getting to watch.

For this week’s Viernes Social, instead of a contest, we’re featuring a heartfelt guest post from a local Latina blogger. I appreciate the post she wrote, as it’s nice to hear about motherhood past the preschool or teenage years.

You’re a young mom. Your days are hectic and seemingly short—not enough hours in the day to do all that demands your attention. Today, I will take you to a different land. We will go back to the future, to a day when most of your parenting duties are over.

That is where I stand today: In the middle of a quieter nest that once was filled with carpooling, after-school activities, sleepovers, Girl Scouts and much more. Just like your days are today.

My daughter, an only child, flew off to college three years ago, and that is the day when things went quiet in our home. I won’t call it an empty nest; after all, there are still two people in it. But it is a different nest.

It’s true that you don’t know how much time and attention you devote to your children until they are gone. There is no free time to calculate it beforehand! Not only do your children occupy your physical time, but also mental space. You are always thinking about them. What are they doing? Do you need to take them somewhere? How about pick them up? And so it goes.

Assuming your child is safely tucked in a dorm somewhere and there are no problems on the horizon, your child will need you a whole lot less. You slowly begin to return to the time—a long, long time ago!—when you could think of yourself without feeling, well, selfish.

You can ponder what you like or what you’re going to do, and it’s totally OK. Go ahead, take a long bubble bath. Nobody will interrupt you. Spend Saturday at the movies either alone or with friends. There is no competing event on your calendar. Take up a new sport or hobby. You have the extra time.

Among the biggest pluses of paying your mommy dues is getting to know your hubby all over again, without the pressure of juggling childrearing, working and household duties. Now, you can look at each other and smile. Hold hands. Have a romantic dinner—or two, or three—during which you’ll spend time remembering when.

Remember the wonderful Christmas we spent in Puerto Rico? Remember when (fill your child’s name) “graduated” from kinder? Remember when she sold the most Girl Scout cookies in her troop? Ahh, I remember it well. It was a very important phase of our lives.

To all the young moms still in the important phase of their lives I say, this shall be your future. It is your reward for caring and loving your family, and putting yourself last all these years.

When you’re in the middle of a bad day, feeling tired and at your wit’s end, take out this post. Read it and smile. Your moment for going back to the future will arrive a lot sooner than you think.