As women we tend to cry a lot. I know this is not true for all women; some women are able to control their tears quite a bit. But, in my family, we tend to be criers. It’s even been passed down to my baby girl.

She and I tend to be pretty emotional and can cry over the littlest things. Of course, my husband finds this to be a foreign concept. He doesn’t understand why we burst into tears when we do. With her, it’s interesting to try to teach her to control her emotions, and especially the crying. I want her to be strong and not need to cry every time she gets emotional, but it’s a little hypocritical of me to say much, since I have a hard time controlling my own tears.

I tell my husband that as women we are wired different than he and our son. I think baby girl explains it best, though. When in the middle of crying, she’ll say, “I just have sensitive eyes! I can’t stop them from crying.” I get it baby girl. I have sensitive eyes too.

Are you a crier or can you control the tears?

Photo by Ryuuji

Heels for young girls at a local shoe store.

A few months ago, one of my aunts was visiting from out of town. She was staying at my mami’s house and they were heading out for a day at a local park since they were bored with staying home. I took the opportunity to tag along so baby girl could have some fun at the park and get to know her Tía better.

Before we left, my Tía changed her clothes, and upon her return from the bedroom, my daughter noticed. Tía asked her, “How do I look?” to which my girl responded, “Good!” My Tía proceeded to pat her belly in that manner we adults often do when we’re indicating we need to lose weight. But, my daughter stared at her blankly. I spoke up and let my aunt know that baby girl had no concept of what she meant. “We don’t really point out things like that at home. She has no clue what you mean by that.”

Before entering her dance class last night, baby girl asked me if they would be able to wear make-up during their upcoming performance. (It’s going to be her first showcase since she started taking lessons.) I told her that no, she would not be able to wear make-up and that make-up is not something little girls wear.

At the end of the dance class, her instructor turned towards the parents and said, “I’m not a believer of putting make-up on babies, so for Saturday’s showcase, there’s no need to put make-up on your girls. They’re beautiful just as they are. You can just leave that stuff for the other studio.”

This morning, baby girl turned the TV on while I finished getting myself ready. I had forgotten that I left it on the food channel last night, which shows infomercials in the early morning. A couple of minutes later, baby girl runs into my room and proceeds to explain to me:

“Mommy, this man found this melon and they take the melon and make it into some type of cream you can then use to make yourself look younger and pretty!” She waves her hand around my face as she says this.

“Really?” I say. “And looking young is what makes you pretty? Would I not be pretty if I looked older?”

“Oh no mami! You always look pretty.”

“Thank you baby. So, why do we need to look younger, then? We’re fine the way we are, aren’t we?”

A bit puzzled, she pauses, thinks, then says, “Yeah!”

“Those people on TV are trying to trick people into thinking they don’t look pretty and thinking they need to look younger so that they can then buy what they’re selling.”

“Yeah, because they want more money!”

“That’s right. They are selling something and they want people to buy it. So, they make people think they really need it and trick them into thinking it will help them be better. But, that’s not what makes people pretty, mama.”

“Make-up?”

Feeling incredibly hypocritical, I said, “Make-up doesn’t make you pretty either, sweetie. It’s just something older women wear when they want to dress up and look a little different. But, it doesn’t make them pretty. In fact, if you wear too much make-up, it can make you look bad and takes away from what you really look like.”

“Ok mommy.”

*************************************

These are some examples of the daily struggle that it is to raise a girl. Regardless of how much emphasis you put on positive self and body image, or if you purposely refrain from showing negative examples (such as patting your belly or other areas of fat), the images make their way into your household and child’s mind in one way or another. Whether it’s another family member, TV, or some other external influence, you still end up having to curb the perceptions created.

When my Tía did what she did, she didn’t think of how her actions would be perceived. She did what many of us do. She pointed out a flaw in her body.

When baby girl’s dance instructor said what he said, I felt like applauding. This was one of the reasons we chose that dance school, because when we researched other ones in the area, many had photos of students in fancy outfits and wearing make-up on the homepage of their website. For us, that was an immediate turn-off. We wanted her to learn the art of dance and provide her with an outlet for socialization besides preschool. We did not want her to be part of a spectacle.

When I explained to my girl that make-up is not what makes you pretty, I had trouble coming up with the right words as to why women (myself included) do wear it. Because, let’s face it, when we put make-up on, we do in fact “feel” prettier.

So, as parents, how do we overcome these perceptions and continue to provide positive examples for our children? How can we curb the outside influences? And as women, how do we avoid sending mixed messages by telling our girls one thing, yet doing another?

Mommy, you know there are bras for little girls too?

Well, not for little girls like you, but older little girls, yeah.

Like for 5 year olds? (Mind you, she turns 5 next month and apparently the world is going to drastically change when she’s 5 – she’ll officially be a big girl that can do any.thing. So she thinks.)

No, not for 5 year olds. Older girls. Like 10 maybe.

Nuh uh! [classmate's name] had a bra on when she was 3!

Are you sure it was a bra sweetie? Maybe it was an undershirt, like the ones you sometimes wear.

Noooo. It was a bra.

How do you know it was a bra? Did you see it?

Yes, she showed it to me.

Well, baby, even if she did, you’re not going to wear a bra until you need to – when you start growing breasts. That’s when mommy started wearing a bra.

Awww…I wish I could wear a bra.

Baby girl, don’t rush it. Enjoy being a 5 year old and not having to worry about that. When the time comes, you’ll wear a bra. Your body knows when it’s supposed to grow and when things are supposed to happen. Don’t rush things, ok?

Ok, mommy.

So went our conversation a few mornings ago. I’m not sure if her classmate really did have a bra on or not – I would hope not, since there’s no reason – but, somehow my not-even 5-year-old got the idea in her head that she needed a bra. I know she sees them in the stores too as we shop for her clothes and nowadays they look really pretty. I cringe every time I see a padded beginner’s bra. Why does a 10 year old just starting to develop and wear a bra need padding again? Aside from the padding, the bras in the little girls’ section are definitely much prettier than the ones around when I went through the ritual of picking my first bra. I definitely get why they are enticing for my girl.

Still, I can’t help but think of what else is coming my way. Did I ask my mother such questions at such a young age? What other questions will I have to answer within the next year and especially when she begins kindergarten?

I am not shying away from such conversations, but it would be helpful if I could peek into her little brain and know ahead of time so that I can prepare myself. It would also help if she waited until after I’ve had breakfast and fully woken up before she springs such heavy conversation on me.

If you have a little girl, at what age did she start asking about bras? What other questions have you fielded from your young children already?

[photo credit: Glamcheck]

Baby girl: “Daddy, you need a haircut.”
Husband: “Do I?”
Baby girl: “Yes, but not too much. Just a little off the top. You don’t want to be bald because then people would laugh at you.”
Husband (after some laughter): “Well baby, I don’t really care if people laugh at me. If they laugh at me because I’m bald, then they’re not good people, right?”
Baby girl: “Right.”
Husband (to me): “Man, every conversation these days turns into some great life lesson, doesn’t it?”
Me: “Yeah. sigh…”

And, it’s true. There seems to be no shortage of conversations we’re having with our 4-year-old these days that turns into some greater message or life lesson.

If she says anything about curly hair, there we are reinforcing the idea that “curly hair is so beautiful!” If we’re talking colors, once again, my husband and I pipe in like a PSA ad to say, “Don’t forget black! Black is such a pretty color.”

To some of you, this may seem a bit unnecessary or even extreme. Why do we continually have to say these things? Why not just let her live her little 4-year-old life, right? But, the truth is that when you’re raising a multicultural child, you have to constantly look out for signs and provide the proper message to your kid. She is surrounded by dolls, ads, friends, and other images that are not like her, so it’s up to her father and I to surround her with images and messages that are like her and remind her that she too should be admired.

Photo by Rashod Taylor

And, it’s not just the media we’re up against. Even family members can be culprits – without really recognizing the side effect. Just a few weeks ago, my own mother said, “Ay no! That will make her hair more curly!” when my husband said he wants to braid (corn row) my daughter’s hair. Once again, there we were saying, “There’s nothing wrong with curly hair!” It’s even difficult for me at times, to be sure I’m sending the right message to her. I have to catch myself from saying things like, “I like my hair better straight,” since I don’t want her to perceive that straight is necessarily better.

It can get exhausting at times to always be thinking about what you’re saying/doing/watching and whether or not it will affect your impressionable 4-year-old’s self-esteem. This is even more true if you’re in what’s considered the “minority” group of society.

In a way, though, all of these conversations are also helping me to feel better about my own self. Who knew that by trying to ensure my daughter grows up confident, in turn, I would help myself feel a little more confident in a body I’ve known for 30 years?

Additional thoughts of mine on multiculturalism:

• Brown is Not Enough
• Barbie Dolls and Columbus Day. What’s the Connection?

Though it’s been a few weeks (month?),  I’m sure you’ve heard of the news regarding Miley Cyrus and the so-called “lap dance” video. If you haven’t seen the video, you can see it here. Things like “bad role model,” “did they have sex,” and “another bad move” are all being said about Miley Cyrus and the video.

When I first heard that there was a “lap dance” video out, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked it up. I was half-expecting Miley to be doing a mini strip-tease for some guy. Instead, I just saw a teenage girl dancing. And, my first reaction was not what you might expect. It was instead, “what’s the big deal?” Now, you might not agree and that is fine. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But, let me share why I think this is being blown out of proportion:

• She’s 17…not 10. Actually, at the time the video was shot, she was 16.
• She’s dancing at a club. This is not a music video for one of her songs or some other piece of promotional material. It was a private moment.
• Dancing like the one they are doing in the video is standard. At least nowadays – actually, it’s been around for many many years. Heck, I did it when I was even younger than 16!
• Just because they’re dancing close, doesn’t mean they automatically had sex.
• Parents need to stop worrying about Miley Cyrus’ “bad” moves. Instead they should just be sure their kids don’t watch the video and/or use it as an opportunity to talk with them about it and whether or not it aligns with their family values.

I have a daughter. She’s 4. I get it. You don’t want negative images influencing your kids. I even wrote about how at this time, Hannah Montana doesn’t belong in our house – maybe in a few years. But, do you really think that it’s Miley Cyrus’ responsibility to ensure your kid is not influenced? Is she not allowed to have her own fun and be a teenager…just because she’s a public figure?

How about if we stop worrying about other kids? Instead let’s make sure that we talk with our kids and become their personal role models.

Have you watched the video? What was your initial reaction?

My husband is a very attentive father – always has been since our daughter was born. He is known for making up silly songs and stories with our 4 year old. He’s also not afraid to don a fancy feather boa and tiara – whether attending a tea party or just playing dress-up. He also takes good care of our daughter and I can always trust that if I’m away, she’s in good hands.

Now, this may sound like nothing out of the ordinary to you. He’s her father. Of course, he should be attentive and caring, right? While I agree, it seems to be something that surprises many friends and family members. My mother has often been told, “Your son-in-law is a really caring father, isn’t he? So-and-so’s husband doesn’t play with their kids like that!” They are surprised to see a father doing, well, what a father is supposed to be doing – playing, talking, and interacting with his kid.

Apparently, not many men do this with their kids? Or perhaps, only the men in my immediate circle of close friends and family? Maybe it’s just a cultural thing?

I know that growing up our father was very much a provider. He made sure our family was taken care of, but I don’t really remember him playing with me. My papi is the definition of an old-fashioned Puerto Rican man and to this day I am not able to talk freely with him – with the exception of finances. Finances was something he made sure to teach me. How to balance a checkbook? He was all over that. Talking boyfriends? Eh…you better go talk to your mom.

On the contrary, I can see my baby girl being fully comfortable in sharing information with her daddy about her first period or boy trouble. At least, I hope their closeness remains through those years and that regardless of how he may feel, she’ll be able to come to him as much as me.

But, in these early preschool years, I’m baffled as to why my husband’s fatherly behavior is perceived to be so rare. Why are so many women surprised to see him go beyond the “goofy-dad” role and see him actually nurturing, caring, and tending to her?

Do you find that men you know are hands-on fathers or play more of a supportive background role?

Photo provided to Melanie by Mariana

My three year old daughter is incredibly cute. I’m not biased or anything. Just see for yourself.

See? I told you so.

Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but she’s an incredibly sweet little girl as well. And smart. Also? Funny. Truly funny – not just “Oh, she’s so cute so I’ll laugh at anything” funny either.

I love all these qualities about her. She’s definitely got a strong combination going for herself.

Sometimes I look at her and I can just see the wheels turning in her head. Then she’ll burst out with some random thought. I love those moments. They give me an opportunity to glimpse into her little brain and get an idea of what she’s thinking about all day.

Some of the random thoughts she’s said lately:

• Mommy, you’re my best friend.
• When I grow up, I want to be a detective.
• Daddy’s a funny guy, isn’t he mommy?
• You know what abuela? I’m from the United States.

They all make sense to me and my husband. And all show different characteristics of baby girl: love, aspirations, admiration, and culture.

She continually surprises me and never ceases to amaze me. And I just want to eat her all up. But, then she’d tell me “Mommmyyy, we DON’T eat peopleeee!”

What craziness do you love about your children? Let’s share some positive memories in the comments to get away from the everyday aggravations for a little bit.

It’s funny how the world sometimes reaches out to you. I’m not normally one to go around “looking for signs,” but sometimes you just can’t miss them.

Two months ago, I wrote about how brown dolls are not enough and we need more multicultural dolls.

This weekend, I came across an article titled Mattel introduces black Barbies. Introduces? It seemed odd since there have been black Barbies in the brand for a while. But, as the article’s opening line states, the So in Style dolls are “…a new line of black Barbie dolls with fuller lips, a wider nose and more pronounced cheek bones — a far cry from Christie, Barbie’s black friend who debuted in the 1960s and was essentially a white doll painted brown.”

Facial features. Going beyond just painting dolls brown. Finally!

The last connecting dot in all this is that the dolls’ designer, Stacey McBride-Irby, was just at the Blogalicious 2009 conference held this past weekend. So here I am on Monday, reading some of the conference recaps and the #blogalicious tweets and find myself circling back to the article I just read. And back to thinking about my baby girl and how she just might have a chance at seeing things differently growing up.

All of this on a day where part of the world celebrates and the other part watches Reconsider Columbus Day and nods their head in agreement.

It is encouraging to see that my baby girl will have dolls in her likeness to play with. And though I agree with the critique that the Barbie So in Style dolls have mostly long straight hair, I also see that there’s a huge improvement over the dolls I played with. Side note: two of the dolls do have short, curly hair, so I can see that it was given some thought. And my husband also pointed out just what the dolls’ designer had in mind – little girls love to comb their doll’s hair.

It is also encouraging to think that my daughter may not have to celebrate Columbus Day, but instead might have a chance at real education on the subject of Columbus and the history behind him “discovering” America. That is, in school, and not just supplemental education provided by my husband and I.

Most wouldn’t even connect these two. Dolls and Columbus day? But, the world calls out sometimes in a funny way and your mind connects the dots in an even more interesting manner.

So here I am. Feeling optimistic that my multicultural and bilingual daughter will be able to embrace both sides of her family, both cultures, and be loved by all as the Black and Latina woman she will become.

Watch these videos and consider the following questions:

• Why haven’t I seen any commercials for the dolls? The article was the first time I heard about them.
• Why haven’t I seen them in the stores? I was *just* in the Barbie aisle the other day at Target looking for a present for a birthday party we were attending Saturday. I do not remember seeing these dolls.
  • Edited 10/13/09: Ok, I went into a Target again last night and did see a few of the dolls.
• What will I teach my child(ren) about Christopher Columbus?

Reconsider Columbus Day

Barbie So-In-Style Dolls Friends Of Barbie Meet The Designer Part One

“Brian’s funny.”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea, I like him.”

“Do you?”

“Uh hmm. He’s my boy-friend.”

“Your what?”

“My bo-y-friend.”

“Is he? And why do you say that?”

“He was at the playground. And I asked him if he wanted to hold my hand. And heeee saaaaid YES!”

“So that’s why he’s your boyfriend?”

“Uh huh.”

************************************************************

Little Cesar is always in time out. Every other day when I walk in to drop off my daughter, there he is at the front of their classroom, sitting by himself at the table. He’s adorable with his little chubby cheeks. Even in time out. And I feel bad for him.

This is the same kid that lied on my daughter’s second day of preschool and said she had been bad. He always talks to me or my husband. You can tell he just wants to talk to someone.

On this particular day, little Cesar looked up at me from his time out chair and said, “[something I didn't understand]…Brian’s girlfriend.”

“Who’s Brian’s girlfriend?”

At this point, my daughter came up to me and showed me something, so little Cesar sat for a second thinking.

Then he said, “Her! She’s Brian’s girlfriend!!”

And then I hear “Yeeeee-aaaaa!” from the corner and see little Ms. Megan (who’s sitting on the potty bench) is the one being little Cesar’s back-up homegirl.

Seriously? The fact that my daughter thinks she’s Brian’s girlfriend is a known fact amongst the other little boys and girls??!!

What in the world is going on at this preschool?

If this is the crap I have to deal with at THREE (almost four), I fear greatly for the teenage years.

In fact, I think I’m gonna just lock her up soon.

*All names have been changed cause I don’t want their mommies to beat me up if they ever find this blog.*