Baby girl: “Daddy, you need a haircut.”
Husband: “Do I?”
Baby girl: “Yes, but not too much. Just a little off the top. You don’t want to be bald because then people would laugh at you.”
Husband (after some laughter): “Well baby, I don’t really care if people laugh at me. If they laugh at me because I’m bald, then they’re not good people, right?”
Baby girl: “Right.”
Husband (to me): “Man, every conversation these days turns into some great life lesson, doesn’t it?”
Me: “Yeah. sigh…”

And, it’s true. There seems to be no shortage of conversations we’re having with our 4-year-old these days that turns into some greater message or life lesson.

If she says anything about curly hair, there we are reinforcing the idea that “curly hair is so beautiful!” If we’re talking colors, once again, my husband and I pipe in like a PSA ad to say, “Don’t forget black! Black is such a pretty color.”

To some of you, this may seem a bit unnecessary or even extreme. Why do we continually have to say these things? Why not just let her live her little 4-year-old life, right? But, the truth is that when you’re raising a multicultural child, you have to constantly look out for signs and provide the proper message to your kid. She is surrounded by dolls, ads, friends, and other images that are not like her, so it’s up to her father and I to surround her with images and messages that are like her and remind her that she too should be admired.

Photo by Rashod Taylor

And, it’s not just the media we’re up against. Even family members can be culprits – without really recognizing the side effect. Just a few weeks ago, my own mother said, “Ay no! That will make her hair more curly!” when my husband said he wants to braid (corn row) my daughter’s hair. Once again, there we were saying, “There’s nothing wrong with curly hair!” It’s even difficult for me at times, to be sure I’m sending the right message to her. I have to catch myself from saying things like, “I like my hair better straight,” since I don’t want her to perceive that straight is necessarily better.

It can get exhausting at times to always be thinking about what you’re saying/doing/watching and whether or not it will affect your impressionable 4-year-old’s self-esteem. This is even more true if you’re in what’s considered the “minority” group of society.

In a way, though, all of these conversations are also helping me to feel better about my own self. Who knew that by trying to ensure my daughter grows up confident, in turn, I would help myself feel a little more confident in a body I’ve known for 30 years?

Additional thoughts of mine on multiculturalism:

• Brown is Not Enough
• Barbie Dolls and Columbus Day. What’s the Connection?

Though it’s been a few weeks (month?),  I’m sure you’ve heard of the news regarding Miley Cyrus and the so-called “lap dance” video. If you haven’t seen the video, you can see it here. Things like “bad role model,” “did they have sex,” and “another bad move” are all being said about Miley Cyrus and the video.

When I first heard that there was a “lap dance” video out, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked it up. I was half-expecting Miley to be doing a mini strip-tease for some guy. Instead, I just saw a teenage girl dancing. And, my first reaction was not what you might expect. It was instead, “what’s the big deal?” Now, you might not agree and that is fine. Everyone’s entitled to their opinion. But, let me share why I think this is being blown out of proportion:

• She’s 17…not 10. Actually, at the time the video was shot, she was 16.
• She’s dancing at a club. This is not a music video for one of her songs or some other piece of promotional material. It was a private moment.
• Dancing like the one they are doing in the video is standard. At least nowadays – actually, it’s been around for many many years. Heck, I did it when I was even younger than 16!
• Just because they’re dancing close, doesn’t mean they automatically had sex.
• Parents need to stop worrying about Miley Cyrus’ “bad” moves. Instead they should just be sure their kids don’t watch the video and/or use it as an opportunity to talk with them about it and whether or not it aligns with their family values.

I have a daughter. She’s 4. I get it. You don’t want negative images influencing your kids. I even wrote about how at this time, Hannah Montana doesn’t belong in our house – maybe in a few years. But, do you really think that it’s Miley Cyrus’ responsibility to ensure your kid is not influenced? Is she not allowed to have her own fun and be a teenager…just because she’s a public figure?

How about if we stop worrying about other kids? Instead let’s make sure that we talk with our kids and become their personal role models.

Have you watched the video? What was your initial reaction?

My husband is a very attentive father – always has been since our daughter was born. He is known for making up silly songs and stories with our 4 year old. He’s also not afraid to don a fancy feather boa and tiara – whether attending a tea party or just playing dress-up. He also takes good care of our daughter and I can always trust that if I’m away, she’s in good hands.

Now, this may sound like nothing out of the ordinary to you. He’s her father. Of course, he should be attentive and caring, right? While I agree, it seems to be something that surprises many friends and family members. My mother has often been told, “Your son-in-law is a really caring father, isn’t he? So-and-so’s husband doesn’t play with their kids like that!” They are surprised to see a father doing, well, what a father is supposed to be doing – playing, talking, and interacting with his kid.

Apparently, not many men do this with their kids? Or perhaps, only the men in my immediate circle of close friends and family? Maybe it’s just a cultural thing?

I know that growing up our father was very much a provider. He made sure our family was taken care of, but I don’t really remember him playing with me. My papi is the definition of an old-fashioned Puerto Rican man and to this day I am not able to talk freely with him – with the exception of finances. Finances was something he made sure to teach me. How to balance a checkbook? He was all over that. Talking boyfriends? Eh…you better go talk to your mom.

On the contrary, I can see my baby girl being fully comfortable in sharing information with her daddy about her first period or boy trouble. At least, I hope their closeness remains through those years and that regardless of how he may feel, she’ll be able to come to him as much as me.

But, in these early preschool years, I’m baffled as to why my husband’s fatherly behavior is perceived to be so rare. Why are so many women surprised to see him go beyond the “goofy-dad” role and see him actually nurturing, caring, and tending to her?

Do you find that men you know are hands-on fathers or play more of a supportive background role?

Photo provided to Melanie by Mariana

My three year old daughter is incredibly cute. I’m not biased or anything. Just see for yourself.

See? I told you so.

Not only is she beautiful on the outside, but she’s an incredibly sweet little girl as well. And smart. Also? Funny. Truly funny – not just “Oh, she’s so cute so I’ll laugh at anything” funny either.

I love all these qualities about her. She’s definitely got a strong combination going for herself.

Sometimes I look at her and I can just see the wheels turning in her head. Then she’ll burst out with some random thought. I love those moments. They give me an opportunity to glimpse into her little brain and get an idea of what she’s thinking about all day.

Some of the random thoughts she’s said lately:

• Mommy, you’re my best friend.
• When I grow up, I want to be a detective.
• Daddy’s a funny guy, isn’t he mommy?
• You know what abuela? I’m from the United States.

They all make sense to me and my husband. And all show different characteristics of baby girl: love, aspirations, admiration, and culture.

She continually surprises me and never ceases to amaze me. And I just want to eat her all up. But, then she’d tell me “Mommmyyy, we DON’T eat peopleeee!”

What craziness do you love about your children? Let’s share some positive memories in the comments to get away from the everyday aggravations for a little bit.

It’s funny how the world sometimes reaches out to you. I’m not normally one to go around “looking for signs,” but sometimes you just can’t miss them.

Two months ago, I wrote about how brown dolls are not enough and we need more multicultural dolls.

This weekend, I came across an article titled Mattel introduces black Barbies. Introduces? It seemed odd since there have been black Barbies in the brand for a while. But, as the article’s opening line states, the So in Style dolls are “…a new line of black Barbie dolls with fuller lips, a wider nose and more pronounced cheek bones — a far cry from Christie, Barbie’s black friend who debuted in the 1960s and was essentially a white doll painted brown.”

Facial features. Going beyond just painting dolls brown. Finally!

The last connecting dot in all this is that the dolls’ designer, Stacey McBride-Irby, was just at the Blogalicious 2009 conference held this past weekend. So here I am on Monday, reading some of the conference recaps and the #blogalicious tweets and find myself circling back to the article I just read. And back to thinking about my baby girl and how she just might have a chance at seeing things differently growing up.

All of this on a day where part of the world celebrates and the other part watches Reconsider Columbus Day and nods their head in agreement.

It is encouraging to see that my baby girl will have dolls in her likeness to play with. And though I agree with the critique that the Barbie So in Style dolls have mostly long straight hair, I also see that there’s a huge improvement over the dolls I played with. Side note: two of the dolls do have short, curly hair, so I can see that it was given some thought. And my husband also pointed out just what the dolls’ designer had in mind – little girls love to comb their doll’s hair.

It is also encouraging to think that my daughter may not have to celebrate Columbus Day, but instead might have a chance at real education on the subject of Columbus and the history behind him “discovering” America. That is, in school, and not just supplemental education provided by my husband and I.

Most wouldn’t even connect these two. Dolls and Columbus day? But, the world calls out sometimes in a funny way and your mind connects the dots in an even more interesting manner.

So here I am. Feeling optimistic that my multicultural and bilingual daughter will be able to embrace both sides of her family, both cultures, and be loved by all as the Black and Latina woman she will become.

Watch these videos and consider the following questions:

• Why haven’t I seen any commercials for the dolls? The article was the first time I heard about them.
• Why haven’t I seen them in the stores? I was *just* in the Barbie aisle the other day at Target looking for a present for a birthday party we were attending Saturday. I do not remember seeing these dolls.
  • Edited 10/13/09: Ok, I went into a Target again last night and did see a few of the dolls.
• What will I teach my child(ren) about Christopher Columbus?

Reconsider Columbus Day

Barbie So-In-Style Dolls Friends Of Barbie Meet The Designer Part One

“Brian’s funny.”

“Oh yea?”

“Yea, I like him.”

“Do you?”

“Uh hmm. He’s my boy-friend.”

“Your what?”

“My bo-y-friend.”

“Is he? And why do you say that?”

“He was at the playground. And I asked him if he wanted to hold my hand. And heeee saaaaid YES!”

“So that’s why he’s your boyfriend?”

“Uh huh.”

************************************************************

Little Cesar is always in time out. Every other day when I walk in to drop off my daughter, there he is at the front of their classroom, sitting by himself at the table. He’s adorable with his little chubby cheeks. Even in time out. And I feel bad for him.

This is the same kid that lied on my daughter’s second day of preschool and said she had been bad. He always talks to me or my husband. You can tell he just wants to talk to someone.

On this particular day, little Cesar looked up at me from his time out chair and said, “[something I didn't understand]…Brian’s girlfriend.”

“Who’s Brian’s girlfriend?”

At this point, my daughter came up to me and showed me something, so little Cesar sat for a second thinking.

Then he said, “Her! She’s Brian’s girlfriend!!”

And then I hear “Yeeeee-aaaaa!” from the corner and see little Ms. Megan (who’s sitting on the potty bench) is the one being little Cesar’s back-up homegirl.

Seriously? The fact that my daughter thinks she’s Brian’s girlfriend is a known fact amongst the other little boys and girls??!!

What in the world is going on at this preschool?

If this is the crap I have to deal with at THREE (almost four), I fear greatly for the teenage years.

In fact, I think I’m gonna just lock her up soon.

*All names have been changed cause I don’t want their mommies to beat me up if they ever find this blog.*

My daughter is 3. THREE!!! She does not need to know about Hannah Montana.

So, why does everyone and their mom think that it’s prime time my daughter be introduced to her?

Is this not a TV show for tween/teenage girls? I’ve seen it a couple of times and it’s definitely geared for girls 10 and up in my opinion. Lots of boy talk and jokes that are obviously meant for teenagers (and parents in some cases). And is there kissing? Not sure, but I wouldn’t be surprised.

So why oh why does my three year old need to even know that name?

She doesn’t.

Stop trying to give my three year old a Hannah Montana sticker. Or underwear. Or toy.

And stop asking me if she watches the show! You’ll get a quick, short, and loud NO! In fact, I might even turn it around on you and ask YOU why YOUR preschooler watches the show.

WHY INDEED???

I can’t imagine why little girls are introduced to make-up, nail polish, or such TV shows at such a young age, and then folks wonder why they want to act, dress, and look the same way when they are just a few years older. Then it becomes a problem?

I know I cannot keep my daughter away from Hannah Montana forever, or whomever it might be in a few years. It’s all over the place and it will be impossible to shield her. Nor do I want to “shield” her necessarily. I’d rather teach her than hide it from her.

But, for now…when she’s only three and I CAN control what she watches, what she wears, and who she listens to…believe me, I’m shielding her.

Hannah Montana will not be in our house. Or any of her similarly-acting sisters. Not for the next few years.

And, I’m about to throw away that stupid sticker she got from the urgent clinic.

I’ve been thinking about something for the past few weeks that has just been eating me up inside. And after attending BlogHer 09 and sitting in on the Women of Color session PLUS having lunch with a group of lovely women of color, it’s been on my mind even more.

Why is it so hard to find dolls that my daughter can identify with? Dolls that she can look at and recognize that they look something like her?

And why is it that when you do find a doll that is “brown” that’s all she is? It irks me to no end that the same freaking doll is just painted a different color and BAM! We suddenly offer “multicultural” dolls! Yay for us!

No. That’s not enough.

Where are the rest of the defining features? The hair? Facial features? It’s more than just the skin color that’s different.

Right as I’m thinking about all this, I come across a link to this post: Her Name Is Orange Blossom, Dammit.

And, well, I left the longest comment I think I’ve ever left on a blog post. It’s worth repeating.

A few things, in no specific order other than the randomness in which they come out of my brain:

- Not just African American moms deal with this. Anyone whose image is not portrayed.

- “…trying to assure our daughters that their chocolate skin and kinky hair and wide noses and thick lips and curvy bodies are beautiful and relevant too…” And yet even THIS we cannot achieve because the “brown” dolls out there are just that. Brown. They just overlay the color over the same model doll they use for the white-skin dolls and there is no representation of other defining features. The brown dolls have the same hair and same look as the other dolls, and really…don’t our girls deserve more?

- I cannot believe the rep didn’t know her name.

- Did you get the bag at BlogHer ‘09? The one with the DVD in it? We just watched it the other night. Guess what? The Orange Blossom character in that movie looks NOTHING like the picture you have in your post. She also looks A LOT LIGHTER than the doll itself. (I got the much coveted Orange Blossom doll at BlogHer.) But, yea, the cartoon version in that DVD…she’s barely got a tan on her. They didn’t.even.try.

Sorry. I guess I had a lot to say and just came across your post at the right time cause I’ve been thinking about all this for the past few weeks.

I know that most dolls out there aren’t exactly made in the image of any little girl. Their bodies are disproportionate and don’t look anything like our girls. I get that. But, imagine having another layer on top of that.

Raising multicultural children is hard enough. Do I really have to fight every step of the way?

Fine. So be it. My daughter’s worth it.

My daughter has begun to show a bit of a mean streak. She has started to say things like:

• Go away mom!
• I don’t like you.
• He looks creepy.

And the killer. Just this morning she said, “I don’t love you anymore mommy.”

Now, I realize that she’s probably just testing out some new feelings, vocabulary, or something. I realize she’s picking up some of this from outside our home.

But, still? It hurts.

I don’t want my baby girl to be mean. And much less do I want her to say mean things to me.

So while I fight internally between “letting her express herself” and doing things the old school way to let her know i’s wrong, what will my baby girl turn into? Is she going to be one of those “mean girls”?

How do I ensure that she gets the right message and learns that saying such things hurts people’s feelings?

And why am I dealing with this at the age of 3? Aren’t little girls supposed to be all sweet and sugary and like chocolate marshmallows on a rainbow cloud?

sigh

Maybe I’ll just keep saying “I love you.”

A lot.

I needed it.

I needed to come home last night after a long day at work and just sit down. Sit down with my baby girl and share some applesauce. “With two spoons mom! So we can say cheers!”

“Claro que sí, mama.” Of course.

While we shared our applesauce, we listened to dance music. And it really was dance music, like what they play in the clubs.

In the car ride home, we had danced. “What’s the name of this song mom?” I don’t know, I said. I told her the type of music was called reggae, though. And that was good enough. So we bopped our heads in sync to the rhythm.

When her daddy came home she told him, “We were dancing to reggae dad!”

Pride. My girl has pride. Everything she does, she tells us proudly.

The evening continued smoothly. We danced some more – to a special request of I Like to Move It. I think it’s probably her favorite song at the moment.

We played. She read her Leapfrog Tag Little Mermaid book. And before we knew it, it was bath time.

But, this time it was different. There was no rush. No madness to get it all done before the bath. Even the bath itself was a long one compared to most nights. And while daddy bathed her, I sat back and watched a bit. I contemplated.

And being the little princess that she is, when she got out, she told me her hair needed to be combed.

So I combed her hair. Do you remember the feeling you get when someone else brushes your hair? Maybe it’s just me, but it always makes me feel so peaceful. Except that this time, I was on the giving-end. And it too was peaceful.

It was a good end to the day. A great way to say good night to my love.

I needed it.