A few months ago, one of my aunts was visiting from out of town. She was staying at my mami’s house and they were heading out for a day at a local park since they were bored with staying home. I took the opportunity to tag along so baby girl could have some fun at the park and get to know her Tía better.

Before we left, my Tía changed her clothes, and upon her return from the bedroom, my daughter noticed. Tía asked her, “How do I look?” to which my girl responded, “Good!” My Tía proceeded to pat her belly in that manner we adults often do when we’re indicating we need to lose weight. But, my daughter stared at her blankly. I spoke up and let my aunt know that baby girl had no concept of what she meant. “We don’t really point out things like that at home. She has no clue what you mean by that.”

Before entering her dance class last night, baby girl asked me if they would be able to wear make-up during their upcoming performance. (It’s going to be her first showcase since she started taking lessons.) I told her that no, she would not be able to wear make-up and that make-up is not something little girls wear.

At the end of the dance class, her instructor turned towards the parents and said, “I’m not a believer of putting make-up on babies, so for Saturday’s showcase, there’s no need to put make-up on your girls. They’re beautiful just as they are. You can just leave that stuff for the other studio.”

This morning, baby girl turned the TV on while I finished getting myself ready. I had forgotten that I left it on the food channel last night, which shows infomercials in the early morning. A couple of minutes later, baby girl runs into my room and proceeds to explain to me:

“Mommy, this man found this melon and they take the melon and make it into some type of cream you can then use to make yourself look younger and pretty!” She waves her hand around my face as she says this.

“Really?” I say. “And looking young is what makes you pretty? Would I not be pretty if I looked older?”

“Oh no mami! You always look pretty.”

“Thank you baby. So, why do we need to look younger, then? We’re fine the way we are, aren’t we?”

A bit puzzled, she pauses, thinks, then says, “Yeah!”

“Those people on TV are trying to trick people into thinking they don’t look pretty and thinking they need to look younger so that they can then buy what they’re selling.”

“Yeah, because they want more money!”

“That’s right. They are selling something and they want people to buy it. So, they make people think they really need it and trick them into thinking it will help them be better. But, that’s not what makes people pretty, mama.”

“Make-up?”

Feeling incredibly hypocritical, I said, “Make-up doesn’t make you pretty either, sweetie. It’s just something older women wear when they want to dress up and look a little different. But, it doesn’t make them pretty. In fact, if you wear too much make-up, it can make you look bad and takes away from what you really look like.”

“Ok mommy.”

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These are some examples of the daily struggle that it is to raise a girl. Regardless of how much emphasis you put on positive self and body image, or if you purposely refrain from showing negative examples (such as patting your belly or other areas of fat), the images make their way into your household and child’s mind in one way or another. Whether it’s another family member, TV, or some other external influence, you still end up having to curb the perceptions created.

When my Tía did what she did, she didn’t think of how her actions would be perceived. She did what many of us do. She pointed out a flaw in her body.

When baby girl’s dance instructor said what he said, I felt like applauding. This was one of the reasons we chose that dance school, because when we researched other ones in the area, many had photos of students in fancy outfits and wearing make-up on the homepage of their website. For us, that was an immediate turn-off. We wanted her to learn the art of dance and provide her with an outlet for socialization besides preschool. We did not want her to be part of a spectacle.

When I explained to my girl that make-up is not what makes you pretty, I had trouble coming up with the right words as to why women (myself included) do wear it. Because, let’s face it, when we put make-up on, we do in fact “feel” prettier.

So, as parents, how do we overcome these perceptions and continue to provide positive examples for our children? How can we curb the outside influences? And as women, how do we avoid sending mixed messages by telling our girls one thing, yet doing another?

Mommy, you know there are bras for little girls too?

Well, not for little girls like you, but older little girls, yeah.

Like for 5 year olds? (Mind you, she turns 5 next month and apparently the world is going to drastically change when she’s 5 – she’ll officially be a big girl that can do any.thing. So she thinks.)

No, not for 5 year olds. Older girls. Like 10 maybe.

Nuh uh! [classmate's name] had a bra on when she was 3!

Are you sure it was a bra sweetie? Maybe it was an undershirt, like the ones you sometimes wear.

Noooo. It was a bra.

How do you know it was a bra? Did you see it?

Yes, she showed it to me.

Well, baby, even if she did, you’re not going to wear a bra until you need to – when you start growing breasts. That’s when mommy started wearing a bra.

Awww…I wish I could wear a bra.

Baby girl, don’t rush it. Enjoy being a 5 year old and not having to worry about that. When the time comes, you’ll wear a bra. Your body knows when it’s supposed to grow and when things are supposed to happen. Don’t rush things, ok?

Ok, mommy.

So went our conversation a few mornings ago. I’m not sure if her classmate really did have a bra on or not – I would hope not, since there’s no reason – but, somehow my not-even 5-year-old got the idea in her head that she needed a bra. I know she sees them in the stores too as we shop for her clothes and nowadays they look really pretty. I cringe every time I see a padded beginner’s bra. Why does a 10 year old just starting to develop and wear a bra need padding again? Aside from the padding, the bras in the little girls’ section are definitely much prettier than the ones around when I went through the ritual of picking my first bra. I definitely get why they are enticing for my girl.

Still, I can’t help but think of what else is coming my way. Did I ask my mother such questions at such a young age? What other questions will I have to answer within the next year and especially when she begins kindergarten?

I am not shying away from such conversations, but it would be helpful if I could peek into her little brain and know ahead of time so that I can prepare myself. It would also help if she waited until after I’ve had breakfast and fully woken up before she springs such heavy conversation on me.

If you have a little girl, at what age did she start asking about bras? What other questions have you fielded from your young children already?

[photo credit: Glamcheck]