I imagine that every year you look forward to celebrating your birthday. Even if as we get older we joke about not celebrating our special day or not wanting a big fuss made out of growing a year older, deep down, I’m sure you appreciate receiving well wishes. Birthdays are for celebrating, after all; they mean another year of life was lived and a new one is beginning.

Now imagine that you have no concept or recollection that it is a special day. When people wish you a happy birthday, your response is, “Me? You mean it’s my birthday?! Oh, thank you!” You pretend that you were joking and that you do indeed know it’s your birthday, but you really don’t. Were it not for people calling or visiting to wish you a happy birthday, it would be just another regular day for you.

Even as people celebrate your special day around you, you wonder just how old you are because you can’t remember. Eventually, you give up trying to remember for yourself and ask, “So, how old am I now?” Sixty-nine is the response and again you fake the situation, laughing while saying, “69 of course! I just wanted to see if you knew!” But, you really didn’t know.

This scenario is repeated throughout the day each time someone wishes you a happy birthday. It’s as if a reset button on your brain was pushed each time, causing the scene to play again. Only those around you have seen it before; you are seeing it for the first time, each time it plays.

My father’s birthday is today. He turns sixty-nine years old. This is his repeated scene. This is life with dementia. Happy birthday papi.

Photo: Aih/Flickr

As ironic as it seems, my dad’s dementia and memory loss is strangely helping us to reconnect. My father and I have never been very close – not in the way you normally think of a father-daughter relationship. We had no issues and did have a relationship, just not an emotionally close one.

My father was a typical, old-fashioned, Puerto Rican father. That means that while he was a provider and was there for us as a husband and father, he was never the go-to guy for talking about problems. He did not nurture, play, or goof around. He did provide: he worked hard, provided financially for our family and provided sound, logical advice. That’s who he was.

Because of the type of father he was, it resulted in me knowing I could count on him for things like financial advice, logical solutions, and life lessons, so to speak. I also knew I could not count on him for heart-to-heart talks about feelings or seek emotional support, something us girls often need. For that, I went to my mother.

However, my father was always a storyteller. I do remember hearing many stories about his childhood in Puerto Rico, his family, and music. As such, even with the disease of dementia affecting his mind, he still enjoys telling stories.

These days, my father’s stories may be full of inaccurate statements, inconsistencies, and mixed-up facts, but they are still interesting to hear. I may hear a particular anecdote five times within a span of ten minutes, but to me, it’s allowing for us to talk. I simply sit and listen. I respond at the appropriate cues, prompt him for more at certain points, and pretend I’m hearing him share the story for the first time. Sometimes I do let him know he’s told me before, but I give him only part of the story and let him finish the rest.

Hearing him tell his stories is how we now talk, connect, and spend time together. In a way, it’s helping us patch up the bond that was always loose. Ironic as it is, I feel closer to him now, than I ever did before.

Photo: hapal/Flickr

My brother recently had a baby girl, his third child after two boys. I asked him this past weekend if he felt much different in parenting a girl versus parenting boys. It’s something I think about a lot with fathers since I know they tend to be ultra-overprotective with their daughters. I see this with my own husband too.

Though we’d like to believe we put all traditional stereotypes on gender roles aside, the reality is that much of our parenting is still based on what we know (or believe) to be true about boys and girls. From birth, we act a certain way with our babies, depending on whether they’re boys or girls. Boys are talked to in a stronger voice and told things like, “Nice grip, my man!” by their daddies. Girls are immediately called “little princesses” and spoken to in a softer tone.

It’s not something I’m proud of, but one of my initial reactions to my baby boy was to say, “I didn’t know boys could be so sweet!” It’s not like I thought boys were mean, especially from birth, but hearing me say that, one might think so.

Fathers tend to be more guilty of these things than moms. They are usually the ones to tell their boys to “man up” and typically provide more cuddles to their daughters than their sons. I believe moms usually want to cuddle their boys just as much as their girls, but even we sometimes fall into the trap of treating our kids different based on gender. I’ve caught myself saying things like, “It’s a boy thing,” when describing some of baby boy’s actions. Why is that?

The fact is that a lot of the differences probably have nothing to do with whether he’s a boy or she’s a girl. Differences might just be due to their personalities or a variety of other reasons. Our kids are so complex and so much goes into what makes them who they are, that who knows why they do what they do. Don’t you think?

Have you found yourself acting different when parenting your boys and girls? Do you feel fathers are more guilty of this than moms?

Photo: bingbing/Flickr

Every time I visit my parents’ house, it brings about bittersweet feelings. I’m glad to be able to spend time with them, but seeing my dad fall deeper into his dementia and be forced to succumb to the disease, is heartbreaking in many ways.

This was a man that growing up I saw as strong and in control. He took care of things, made rational and logical decisions, and was a provider. Now, he doesn’t even know how to properly tie his shoes. He has trouble following a conversation. He asks about things we take for granted; “Do I eat with this?” he says, as he points to the fork on the table.

It’s tough to see him worsen almost daily. The disease has completely transformed him into a different man. There are traces of who he used to be still around, but he acts and looks different. It’s frustrating, sad, and at times, maddening. And, there’s nothing we can do.

Photo by Jenny Downing

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Continuing the conversation about nurturing and attentive fathers, today we’re going to celebrate those special men in our lives. Happy Father’s Day to my own baby-daddy and to all the wonderful, attentive, supportive, and all-around great fathers out there!

I’ll let some other women gush about their special men. Enjoy.

I can’t say I purposely chose a good father for my children. I was 22 when I married, 23 when my first daughter was born. My girls are now 4 and 9 months old and I can confidently say that they have lucked out in the father department. My husband Sasha is hands on. Every morning he wakes up with both of them to let me sleep in until the last possible minute. From the comfort of my warm bed I hear them playing, eating breakfast, I hear him doing his best to make my fashion specific preschooler happy with the outfit choices he picks out, I hear him soothe my pre-walker when she falls. These sounds are like music to me. My girls have their own special relationship with their dad and that brings me joy. When he reads my oldest daughter her bedtime stories and falls asleep beside her in her pink plastic monstrosity of a bed, I often just let them be and snap a photo for my memory bank. It’ll be years before they realize how blessed they are to have a dad that loves them enough to be there for them and smother them with attention but I know one day they will. Happy Father’s Day, Sasha!

~Bunmi Zalob, The Women of Chestnut Street

My husband is one of the best dads in the world. He is in charge of the sleep routine of our two active boys and reads, prays, and teaches them something new every night. He likes to be sure our two angels go to bed knowing how loved they are. I love to see them playing together – it’s like I have 3 kids instead of 2! I’m so proud of him; every day I think about how blessed I am to have such a loving, supporting husband and amazingly involved daddy.

~Silvia, Mama Latina Tips

As far as fathers go, I didn’t grow up with a great one. My father believed that by providing food and shelter he was fulfilling his obligations. Culturally, we were told that the love and emotional support and affection came from the mother, not the father. The father wasn’t the one that ran to you when you were hurt or needed help with homework, or cared for you when you were sick or crying.

Imagine my surprise every single day, as I watch my husband Travis in his role as father. He is a provider, as my father was, but he is also incredibly nurturing and affectionate. From day one, he has been completely hands on and involved. He is gentle, caring, patient, and loving. When I find that I can’t do any more because I am tired or frustrated, or both, he takes over. We talk a lot about the love of a mother for her child, but I have to say, the love my husband has for his children, all three of them, is something I am often both enviable and proud of.

If there has ever been a true example of what a man is, it is my husband with his children. He is our shelter, our rock, our comforter, our joy. We look up to him for so much and he never falters.

My children are truly lucky to have him as a Dad.

~Carol Cain, The Adventures of a NY City Mama

Let’s hear some more great stories! Share with us all about the wonderful father of your children.

My husband is a very attentive father – always has been since our daughter was born. He is known for making up silly songs and stories with our 4 year old. He’s also not afraid to don a fancy feather boa and tiara – whether attending a tea party or just playing dress-up. He also takes good care of our daughter and I can always trust that if I’m away, she’s in good hands.

Now, this may sound like nothing out of the ordinary to you. He’s her father. Of course, he should be attentive and caring, right? While I agree, it seems to be something that surprises many friends and family members. My mother has often been told, “Your son-in-law is a really caring father, isn’t he? So-and-so’s husband doesn’t play with their kids like that!” They are surprised to see a father doing, well, what a father is supposed to be doing – playing, talking, and interacting with his kid.

Apparently, not many men do this with their kids? Or perhaps, only the men in my immediate circle of close friends and family? Maybe it’s just a cultural thing?

I know that growing up our father was very much a provider. He made sure our family was taken care of, but I don’t really remember him playing with me. My papi is the definition of an old-fashioned Puerto Rican man and to this day I am not able to talk freely with him – with the exception of finances. Finances was something he made sure to teach me. How to balance a checkbook? He was all over that. Talking boyfriends? Eh…you better go talk to your mom.

On the contrary, I can see my baby girl being fully comfortable in sharing information with her daddy about her first period or boy trouble. At least, I hope their closeness remains through those years and that regardless of how he may feel, she’ll be able to come to him as much as me.

But, in these early preschool years, I’m baffled as to why my husband’s fatherly behavior is perceived to be so rare. Why are so many women surprised to see him go beyond the “goofy-dad” role and see him actually nurturing, caring, and tending to her?

Do you find that men you know are hands-on fathers or play more of a supportive background role?

Photo provided to Melanie by Mariana

“Working fathers are struggling to juggle the competing demands of family and career, according to a report that shows that they are just as uneasy with their work-life balance as mothers.“

No surprise there. But, perhaps this isn’t obvious to everyone else.

The above quote is from the UK-based article titled Working fathers want more time with their children too. The article outlines some key points from the Fathers, Family and Work report by the Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC). A few interesting points in the article:

• 42% of fathers felt they were not able to spend enough time with their children
• About two in five men fear that asking for flexible working arrangements would result in their commitment to their job being questioned.
• “…employers think of women as a potential burden because they worry they will want flexible conditions. It will be helpful for women…once men are also seen as likely to demand flexible working.”

I guess it’s good for formal research to be completed and a report published on what I feel is something most men and women probably already knew. I know that my husband struggles with being a working dad just as much as I do with being a working mom. Of course he wants to spend more time with baby girl. And of course he has a hard time with balancing it all. He often works with me on planning our evening schedules and household calendar to try to manage all aspects of our daily lives.

Is this news to you or does this just confirm what you already knew? Let me know in the comments what you think of the article, the report, or just working dads in general.

That tweet was sent out yesterday morning. Why? Because it was too freaking cute to not be shared.

It nearly melted my heart to hear her say it with such conviction. She didn’t even think twice about it. Just plain and simple.

“I like my daddy!”

I immediately told my husband of course, who happened to be at the store. You could hear the smile in his voice. That man was proud and definitely felt loved. And, rightfully so. His three year old daughter just proclaimed him to be the center of her life!

I got a response from @TRONash that pretty much sums up how most daddies would feel…at least I think.

I later asked my husband how he felt when I told him about it. He confirmed that he felt proud. But, he also said it made him feel like he was doing a decent job.

I would have to agree.

Oh! And why was I asking my daughter that question? Because I was taking the “What Disney Princess are You?” quiz on Facebook. Her responses led to her being Aurora. Because I know you were dying to know.